You've got Mail ... Hate Mail...

Song for the mood: Carl Douglas - KungFu Fighting

No I can't do any kungfu. I can't even make the right kind of noise, you know the kind of, ''eeyaaaah!" or "whuaaan" sound that kungfu fighters make. I think it is the sound that confuses the opponent ... as soon as the guy makes that noise the opponent goes, "...where is that sound coming from... maan, u must have an upset tummy!" :-P The next thing he knows, *BAM*, he has a fist in his face... off to la la land... seeing stars am seeing stars!

Well, I actually want to share an extremely funny incident that happened with me about 2 months back. I had promised myself I would not make fun of this one ... but it is too damn freakin' funny! Plus I was kind of pushed to do this... ;-D I am in the senior year of the MTech course, at IIIT Bangalore. As a senior I could've opted for a teaching assistantship, but chose not to having seen the plight of my own seniors... he he. But, being an 'enthusiastic' chap (sheesh), I would generally help out the other TAs in their work. So one fine day I ended up assessing a certain Database Design assignment for a few of the groups from my junior batch.

In one of those groups was this certain Mr. A (A for ass, though I would prefer to call him R for retarded or D for dumb), the protagonist of this story. I'll be honest, Mr. A and his group did not such a great job of their assignment - and after spending more than an hour explaining them the little mistakes and faults in their analysis, design, approach, assumptions etc etc, Mr. A said, "This can't be wrong! I can't be wrong!" Ahem, buddy, it wasn't the time to be the king ... I asked him for his objections, and I'll be honest here, I answered every single one of his questions ... but ... Mr. A was kinda pissed off, I don't know at what though! Was he mad at me or was it the fact that he hadn't taken a piss for over 3-4 hours ... not kiddin', whenever I spot him in college he has the same retarded, piss-urgent look on his face! I was sure he wasn't gonna let this one go, but what he did after the next 2-3 days, was ... legendary!!

I gave him a borderline 4.0 outta 10.0 for his work; he had scored only 2.5; I kinda upped it. Some other groups that I assessed did pretty well: 4.5, 5.5 and 7.5 ... pretty good scores, considering many of them were from non computing backgrounds in their under grad engineering. After the TA revealed the grades in class ... I got a hate-mail the very next day ... The following are the contents of the 'great' mail ... and though I was kinda taken aback and sort of confused when I read it ... the first time I fell of my chair ... the reason being the splendid english. Read it yourself :-)

hi ....

Actually last night i have got my marks of DBMS test, when i saw my marks that was not "unusual"....but it becomes unusual when i saw other groups marked by you ...specially when i saw the highest marks given by you. You have just given them apprx 2 times that my group is having....which makes me below the average.

If u are a intellectual person ..then i think i m having freedom to ask that WHETHER THAT GROUP WORK WAS SO GOOD THAT YOU JUST GIVE THEM DOUBLE THE MARKS THAT U HAVE GIVEN TO MY GROUP.
There are no groups which is having this much of variance as group assesed by you are having..between the heighest and lowest marks.

As i m the looser one (as i m below the average) so now i m requesting u to send me a ER-DIAGRAM of library management that i can make me satisfy that i have been judged in right way. Bcoz i have taken reference to a standarad book for making that ER...ofcourse this was not satisfying your view

Again for some minutes i do not think to mail you ....but thinking if marks has been disclosed ..that is for the reson that if u are having complain u can put with your assesmenter...thats why i m mailing you.

One more thing this mail be annoying for you ...but thinking this also, i m sending this mail to you simply to give me satisfaction whether i was really that much WORST on that day.

I m in wait for ur ER Diagram of library management assess this time to myself by of my own. One thing i m saying u very frankely that i will see to which % it satifies my view and practical view and how far was my ER Diagram

- Mr. A

Wow ... finally I had a hate mail! I replied to this, indecipherable mail, assuming that he was pissed off about his marks. I told him to get his assignment, the 'reference' book (he kept talking about some unnamed reference book the whole time during his assessment, as if it was some Database Bhagvad Gita) and we'll solve the whole sum again. Then he can compare for himself. Ok, for the benifit of all, this is the mail I wrote to him, in reply ...

Can you come and meet me? I am in room 133 in college.
If you want some help, or you have some doubts, you can come and ask face to face. Mailing doesn't solve anything. Get the reference book and whatever else you want to ... and get your own ER diagram also.
I can understand your concern, it was not such an easy test. I was only trying to help, but I guess you don't think so. Plus, your comment about the grades that other groups have gotten is being unfair to them, most of them put in a lot of effort and got in a lot of functionality.
PS: Your mail has not really pissed me off, even with all the underlines and bold letterings so you'll have to try harder than that

But, Mr. A chose to mail back! This is the reply I got ... again ... an example of excellent english ... read on!


I got the thing of which i was in need of.

Now i m having no doubt ..and as per the matter of your help is concerned ... ....all sentence told by you and all suggetions given by u are totally in my mind do not think on my side there is anything like that........

I will meet you..but not at this time ....if u do not have any problem... you just give me a time when i can find you on your room.

Now i m thinking i do not have to write those all.....nd i m assuring you ....i will not be having need to try harder than that......because there are very few situations when any things happens unexpected for me.......b'coz...I know my limits nd weakness and i do not expect any thing beyond my limit.

Though i was not mean to make u off...but if it makes u so...sry for that ....just plz give me the time when i can meet u at your room.........i am not meeting you in college again as i know my limits ..nd weakness..

I swear, I still haven't understood a single word of what he really wanted to say! Mr. A didn't stop at this ... he came over to my room in the evening and ... fought again. For the sake of communicating, I was speaking to him in Hindi, but, being the scholarly English orator that he is, he was replying all the while in English ... and I was trying my level best not to laugh in his face while he was talking. C'mon! I'm not a sicko!

By later that night, Mr. A had already spread some rumors about me, and the possible reasons as to why I gave 'more' marks to another group. I had a terrible time in college the next few days, with obscure looks from people and all sorts of weird questions. I don't give a damn about all that, but it was pretty irritating at the time ... of course it was!

Well, Mr. A got a warning of sorts from the TAs ... of every subject ... I must thank my classmates and friends for this ... they rallied behind me and got the mess cleared. The mails that he sent me very nearly made it to the principal, but I didn't do that. Didn't want to spoil the entire class' image for one dickhead.

Mr. A (lets make that A for asshole now) is pissed even now... and his face has gone from piss-urgent to constipated in the past two months... :-D He and his equally dumbass pals smile and mutter under their breath every time they spot me in college. It happened a couple hours back when I was coming back from lunch. Whew ... some never learn ...

Hmmm ... thats it ... :-)