The third semester of MTech, here at IIIT Bangalore, is nearing its end with less than a month to go. The way the curriculum goes, this is the unofficial end of MTech college life; next semester most of us 125 will head for 6 month internships in companies, some of us will choose to undergo a short 6 month thesis in the college itself. So no more lectures, no assignments, no boring classrooms etc etc although that's not what I want to write about at this time.
I am opting for a thesis ... seems the better option of the two ... experimental, crazier whatever more you could call it :-) Jokes apart, a master's course, I feel, is a complete course only when you attempt some work of your own. Given all the skepticism that goes along with this option - well the final outcome of it is not the point of contention. It's about making a choice and living up to your word, stickin' with it! Over the past semester, I have spent a lot of time, thinking about, what next? ... where is life going? ... What is it that I really want to do in life? And the answer has always been different, a different 'no answer'. Is it because I don't really know, or is it because I want to do too many things ... I have no clue. I have never felt at home doing anything, even the few things that I am good at ... I wonder if there is a way to find out, what am I made for?
Yes, I want to do a lot of things, different things. I am scared of the feeling of getting stuck at a place in my life doing a single thing over and over. A couple of friends with whom I have shared this, back in undergrad engg days, felt I was being paranoid. Maybe paranoia is what I am good at then! Sheesh!
I really do want to do many things; c'mon! there is so much to know, so much that we don't understand, so much that affects us but we hardly acknowledge it so. There is so much to see in this world - different things, distant places, diverse cultures - the melting pot, that is this world, with its million flavors and the great big cook in the sky churning it slowly - seems so appetizing ... ermmm ... ok, exciting :-D How can we afford to miss out?
And then there are my own dreams. A big set! And I keep adding to it everyday. Just yesterday, I felt that no matter what, I should study music. I really like music, so why not? Some other want-to-do things are like:
- An expedition to mount everest - the top of the world!
- One cross country cycling escapade, through forests, streams, hills, valleys
- A rock show - not attending - performing!
- Write a book - god knows what about - just want to...
- Get six-pack abs ... given my laziness that seems a bit of a problem ... but will see what can be done ;-D
Can't say where life is taking me. Sometimes feel I think too much. Sometimes feel I think none at all; I should be more decisive. Sometimes feel I should stop thinking. Maybe I'll always remain this confused - maybe someday life will sort itself out and I'll find the one thing that I am made for; but maybe then life will become very boring. If the traveler finds the destination, the journey's gonna halt. I don't know if I'm ready to stop ... hell, I haven't even started.
From the song I believe, by Joe Satriani:
I've been out walking for hours. I've got something on my mind.
How did we get here? where are we going? And why is life so hard?
I read the stories, see the photographs. Worlds in a crazy space.
I've got to hold on to my dreams; Theres just no other place.
I believe We can change anything.
I believe We can rise above this.
I believe Theres a reason for everything.
I believe In my dreams...